So there's actually lizard people. Fucking what the fuck?
My banana and spoon came in useful, though. And there's some holy girl who's seeing visions and shit. Not due to my herbs, I must add.
Back to the beginning of the day. I was rocking out, playing a rendition of "Anarchy in the UK" (appropriate for the current political clusterfuck, particularly with Macron making Brexit difficult), when Clarissa, the receptionist, interrupted me. She was accompanied by Portia McKinsey Pickens (goes by Max), who claimed she had had dreams about the world having been turned black and ruled by skeletons, and was directed to our office by the goddess Artemis. She seemed somewhat surprised that I didn't think she was crazy, but understood when I explained what we had been dealing with, and that the EMP blast at MCR that made the news was our work.
I hacked into the shithole MCR's website again, showing her the bio for Skeletor, and restored his likeness to the cartoon one. While hacking the intranet I ran across an email thread referencing a staff of power at another excavated site in the Wichita Mountains. It appeared the bastards had received a permit based on oil and gas extraction in the wildlife refuge issued by the fascist fuck's administration, which was unsurprising. Skeletor was screaming at Greg From Marketing that they needed to find that staff to reopen the portal to the abyssal plane we'd just managed to close. I also found encrypted files about their contract for deportation facilities; they appeared to be under construction, but not yet operational, and were very reminiscent of certain camps used by other fascists about 80 years ago. Good way to build a skeleton army for world domination.
The site in Bumfuck Oklahomophobia seemed the highest priority, since Skeletor could reestablish his portal to home using it. While Max went to get a gallon of milk because the psychopath wanted one, I worked on a new toy that I'd brainstormed over the past couple days. The Bone Resonance Acoustic Gun operates between 900 and 1300 Hz and will require ear protection, but it will resonate bones, incapacitating and potentially shattering and destroying skeletons. Fucking BRAG!
The leech wasn't too happy with having a holy person around, hissing at me about it when she woke up. Told her she'd be fucking useful and to get the fuck over it. They bonded a bit when Max told her Alexis had the same microwave and that nuking the blood shake for longer would make it more palatable.
The bloody psychopath was apparently trying to make a giant napalm molotov cocktail, but fucked up the lid of his milk jug, so I had to get him some of my empty bottles of scotch. One of the only fucking things that makes this backwards fucking place semi-tolerable. He rigged them up then went to fill them from the container in his car, where he managed to royally fuck shit up.
The fucking death-wish fuckup didn't fucking pay attention to what the fuck was going on around him and a fucking bobby started questioning him. And because he's a fucking psychopath, instead of even fucking trying to fucking talk his way out of the fucking situation, he cold clocked the bobby and put him in the back seat of his cop car. He was fucking lucky the car was pointed away so any dash cam didn't fucking see him, but he didn't check for a fucking body cam. I gave him a half empty bottle of scotch, had him splash some of it on the unconscious pig, and had him search for a body cam, which there fucking was. He smashed the camera, left it under the tire of the car, and took the SD card. Bloody fucking amateur.
Max rode shotgun on the way down to the latest shithole to investigate, while the bloody psychopath and bloody undead sat in the back again. The fucking pyromaniac had managed to fill three bottles before the bobby found him, which was a plus.
It took a couple of fucking boring, bumpy hours to get down there, because apparently the bloody government here doesn't believe in road maintenance. We stopped about a mile away and I sent the fanatic French fuck's drone up to check the area.
The site had been trashed and there were three lizard people snacking on humans. The shits were about three feet tall, armed with javelins, and there was an arm roasting on a spit. We attempted to sneak up on the site, but being an unstealthy bastard I drew their attention when I stepped on a branch. Max convinced an armadillo to run away, which the little shits attributed the branch breaking to.
I threw one of the napalm cocktails into their group, setting them all on fire, and we quickly dispatched them, but not before I greeted them with "Hello, hello, rubbish reptiles from the dawn of time!" We broke into the buried temple, with Max making quick work of the Home Depot lock on the outside door, and the psychopath got to get all stabby-stabby with more of the little shits. I did take out a couple of them using my spoon. Must wash before using again.
There were three doors in the chamber, which had apparently been built by elves based on the decor. We chose door number 2, the center one, and Max had a brilliant idea. While she used one of the dead little shits I mimicked their speech. The lizard people sounded much like Eddie Izzard's Chicken Marc Antony, which was incredibly amusing, and made imitating their speech relatively easy. Not a bloody fucking clue what I was saying, but the little fuckers bought it. We were able to get close to the main chamber, which had a large chasm running through it, so we backtracked to door number 3. There were over a half dozen of the little shits on the other side of the chasm, with at least two of them wearing bone armor.
There were three of the little shits around a corner down the hallway, so while Max distracted them with the drone I lobbed the second napalm cocktail at them. The fire cooked one of the three, and the psychopath and I finished off the other two. He got overeager when he heard sounds from one of the doors and charged into the kitchen, attacking one of the little shits, which put him front and center for the half dozen or so others that were eating. Alexis wiped out most of them, while Max worked on the stone door to go further down the hallway. It had a trap in it which burned her, but she managed to get it open. I then had Alexis shoot the lock off the last door.
While the lizard people were distracted by the lock flying across the chamber I threw my banana into the group, adding to their confusion and giving the fucking nihilistic psychopath a chance to get stabby again. The bloodsucker got shooty and stabby, which didn't go well, while one of the little shits slipped on the banana when it tried to attack her. Shit got serious when she was injured.
The leech apparently has studied some seriously fucked up, evil old magic. She pulled the soul out of one of the little shits, healing herself. That's some ancient Sumerian shit that was an instant death sentence. Who knows how the fuck many souls she's consumed, but she can spend one to heal herself, so killing her, if the need arises, is going to be near fucking impossible. Scary shit.
After finishing off that group we checked the other hallway, where there were three more of the lizard people, more heavily armed and protected than the other groups. Armor doesn't work against hallucinogens, though, so when the bloody psychopath snuck up on one and attacked and another inhaled some seer's mushroom that I threw in his face, he took the fuck off screeching.
One of the doors was more ornate than any of the others we'd run across, and Max was able to get us in. It hadn't been disturbed in eons, and anything organic had long since disintegrated, but we did find 200 one ounce gold coins. At current prices they're worth close to $250,000. Not a bad haul.
We backtracked to the last corridor, where we snuck up to find some kind of fucking anthropomorphic hyena fucker carrying a bloody M60 machine gun with a belt of rounds. I gave the bloody psychopath some of my refined pufferfish poison, which he coated his knife with, and then I tased the hyena fucker. The psychopath enjoyed getting stabby again, and I took the M60 after he was done.
The only other doorway led to an ancient library. Most of the books had decayed and were unreadable, but there was enough left that I picked up a fair amount of additional knowledge about the ancient world and what's hidden.
Guess it's time to go open that fancy-ass fucking cabinet, retrieve the staff of power wankstain Skeletor wants, and get the fuck out of here.
(Note: after finishing researching in the library, Devan opened the gilded locker that held the staff of power. In the staff's place was an iPad, which turned on and Skeletor Jr., formerly Greg From Marketing, taunted Devan about having finally discovered who was messing with MCR's plans. Devan told him to fuck off, and Greg set off explosives under the temple, plunging it and everyone inside into an underground river.)