Shadows of the Veil

Journal 7

Taking out the second detention facility was surprisingly easy. Flipping Skeletor Jr. probably helped.

The hippie and I took a road trip to Minneapolis to visit Greg From Marketing's family after I tracked them down. Mummy wasn't too happy to hear about the trouble her baby boy was in, even though we were vague on the details, and he wasn't too pleased when she called him and told him we were there. It produced results, though, with him showing up at our office the next day, ready to talk.

The bastard's done some pretty fucking undeniably evil shit, so Max kept the BRAG leveled at him while we negotiated. I'll give him some credit for referencing Ghostbusters when we discussed his joining Skeletor, specifically the part about answering yes if someone asks if you're a god, or in this case if you want power. Not much credit, but a little. He'd been having some regrets about the whole starting the end of the world shit, so it didn't take too much work to convince him to help us. Reminding him that Mummy would be very disappointed in him and she'd be killed in the end of the world helped.

The three of us went to MCR's warehouse, raiding it for as much equipment and weaponry as we could take. 100 lbs of C4, detonators, heavy body armour, encrypted radios, a miniature Predator drone, RPGs, night vision goggles, and a couple of 30 piece grenade variety packs: thermite, high explosive, frag, flashbang, whatever else that could be useful.

After returning to the office we reached an understanding with Greg that he'd see what he could find about what Skeletor was up to, since he'd run off to the Wichita Mountains again, and that if he was a good skeleton the hippie would cast a resurrection ritual to restore him to his former fleshiness. The leech was nonplussed when she saw him, but accepted his help, and they formed a semi-bond due to their shared lack of pulses. Greg was mortified that the mystic keeps the Bowling Ball of Doom in a cooler, which was hilarious. We sent him off to check up on Skeletor and our motley crew set off for the second detention facility outside Broken Bow, Oklahoma.

What a fucking miserable shithole this state is. Took fucking forever across some of the worst bloody roads imaginable to get there. There were four guards at the entrance and about 15-20 more, security had clearly been beefed up after the 'industrial accident' at the other facility. This one had pretty bloody sickly livestock in addition to the corrupted grain, and the vast majority of the detainees were already skeletonized. According to Greg the plan was to sell the corrupted meat and grain at farmer's markets as 'organic' and kill the hipsters first.

The leech dominated one of the guards, Carl, then failed the second. I tased him before the other two opened fire; it turned ugly, with the leech getting tased by one of the guards, and though the hippie was injured we managed to subdue them. The firefight and my flashbang had drawn the attention of the guards, though. Some thermite grenades in a corner of the compound helped to distract them but they still sent several to check out the guard shack at the entrance.

We set up an ambush, with the mystic manning the M60, and two human guards approached with four skeletons. The BRAG made quick work of the skeletons, and we took out the two other guards. They sent a couple dozen skeletons after us, and once the BRAG had taken out almost half the hippie tossed a high explosive grenade into the midst of the rest, scattering their bones everywhere. I saw some jizztrumpet setting up a bloody fucking huge sniper rifle on the roof of the house, so I unleashed one of the RPGs. Big boom with a red mist in the air was the result of that, and then I fired another one at the diesel tank.

10,000 gallons of fuel exploding is a fucking violent and glorious thing. A good-sized mushroom cloud resulted from the explosion, which leveled most of the buildings, killed the rest of the guards, and destroyed most of the skeletons. With no more direct threats, the leech directed Carl to guide the now leaderless skeletons to the livestock area, where the hippie worked some pretty impressive shit. A 200 meter diameter holy magic spell that eliminated the curse was something to behold. The livestock were restored to a weakened but normal state, and the skeletons were vaporized by her magic.

We returned to the SUV and left as quickly as possible, as we heard sirens in the distance, and returned to the offices. The initial firefight had drawn the attention of the locals, so there were multiple videos being run on the news. Luckily none that could identify us, but they clearly showed the RPGs being fired, the mushroom cloud, and Max's curse-removing spell. The Department of Defense initiated a takeover of MCR, so they're no longer a threat. Greg From Marketing used some bloody fucking awful app called Snapchat to send us photos from Skeletor's new base of operations, a cave in the mountains, and provided GPS coordinates. I hacked a spy satellite to check out the area, but other than some MCR vehicles and a rough road to the site there's little to see, at least for now.

The pyromaniac nihilist psychopath anarchist returned, much worse for wear after his encounter with the Drow, and the Russkie is back as well, still rocking out to that atrocious Leonard Skinner shit. Time to lock and load and go after Skeletor. I'm still mildly concerned about the child fucking Cathoholic, though I've prepared a separate rainbow paintball bomb for him. No word yet from Sergio on whether he was able to organize others in the church to help or at least avoid interfering with us.

Time to prep the playlist for Skeletor. First two entries:

I Hate You (from Star Trek IV)
Rock the Casbah (a casbah being a North African fortress, seems appropriate after we've destroyed multiple fortresses of his)

Journal 6

Fuck off, Skeletor Fucking Junior, you fucking worthless pile of wankstained bones.

We rested up after returning to Oklahoma Fucking City, and in the downtime I hacked into the Orange Menace's Homeland Security system and obtained a green card for the mystic. Probably a good thing, as being a bit too brown for the current politics puts him at risk. Meanwhile the hippie was working with some broker on a hostile takeover of MCR. She also modified a paintball gun to fire the poisoned darts she'd obtained, and I gave her acid and pufferfish poison to make more darts with.

Skeletor and MCR seem to have finally learned some lessons, they have switched to a different email service that's encrypted. Getting intel from their system is going to be much more difficult now. Couldn't find much on what they're up to now, but we decided to hit the detention facilities they have. The one in the fucking awful Oklahoma panhandle was the first target since it was closer to completion. I found some rough building plans online, but nothing detailed. It was at some shithole called Evergreen Farms, which is such a fucking laugh considering how desolate shit is out there. Figured we'd need to blow shit up, so I ordered 70 lbs of Tannerite and went to get the homemade napalm the still-missing psychopathic pyromaniac had made.

The hippie couldn't pick the lock on the trunk and a bobby was watching us, but the mystic used some spell to make it sound like he'd gotten a call to go to some place called Valley Brook. Finally got the trunk open and took the napalm, made a few dozen Molotov cocktails with it.

We set out on the fucking 5 hour drive to the fucking panhandle fucking detention facility. Fucking awful drive. Finally get to the place and there's some bad shit going on. From what the hippie could tell, there was some kind of corrupting magical curse on the farm, turning the wheat they were growing sickly and slowly killing the individuals being held. Hoped to save them, but Skeletor Jr. foiled that plan. Fuck him and his fucking necromantic bullshit.

We drove down the road with Alexis tossing Molotovs into the field, setting it on fire, and she nailed the guard at the entrance with the last one. The wheat wasn't particularly dry so the fire spread slowly, and we set up the first IED in the guard shack. We'd used the surrender monkey's drone to scout ahead and located the security cameras, and I parked at the edge of the EMP gun's range to take them out. There were a couple skeleton guards and the leech drew their attention, and I got to test out the Bone Resonance Acoustic Gun.

Holy fuck that shit is awesome. Shattered each with one shot, spraying bone fragments everywhere! We'd brought the detcord with us this time, wrapped it around a diesel tank and through the storage barn full of MCR equipment, and set up the second IED in there. The leech sprayed as much of the fields with fuel as she could, but drew the attention of a couple more skeletons. She, the hippie, and the mystic handled one, with the hippie implementing the acid I gave her, and I finished off the second with the BRAG after taking out more cameras.

We tried and failed miserably at quietly breaking and entering the mansion. Got into the kitchen, heard footsteps coming, and I fired a taser at the first one through the door…which was a skeleton that was unaffected. Fuck. The leech dominated the bastard, though, and turned him against the other fucking skeletons. They took him out and the mystic took out the other three.

We searched the first room and found some old money Oklahoma lady who owned the farm. Apparently MCR had shown up and Skeletor Jr. dominated her husband, she told us he was further down the first floor while Skeletor Jr. and some MCR executives were upstairs. We sent her to the house's safe room, took out the guards with her husband, and when he threatened to shoot me with his bloody fucking huge revolver I tased him and tied him up.

By that time shit was going down and it turned into a blur. Four more skeletons came downstairs and the BRAG took care of them, and the drone showed four guards upstairs with Greg from Marketing. Fuck him up his bony arse. Tried to get the bastard to talk and he refused, instead he tossed a flashbang downstairs at the same time I tossed a Molotov up. Trapped them while we were dazed. Tossed a couple more Molotovs up and then we got the people still alive out…when that bastard hit me with some fucking spell that drained half my life.

Fine, Skeletor Jr., want to get nasty? I blew up the barn, with the explosion taking out half the mansion. He didn't take too well to that, and he killed all of the detainees, turning them into skeletons. Hundreds of them, and he killed several of the executives to heal himself, then hit me with another spell that deadened my muscles. Fuck off, you fucking fleshless cunt.

Most of the reanimating skeletons were in the detention building, so we started drawing the others to it. Found three human guards inside, gave them a chance to stand down, and they refused. Took them out pretty quickly, and while the others barred the doors and stairwell and set up the last of the explosives I drew the attention of the skeletons outside. Skeletor Jr. came to the window and I hit him with the BRAG. Didn't take him down, but pissed him off, and the spell he fired off hit the building as I ducked inside.

We made for one of the other doors and the leech barred the doors we'd used to get in while Greg From Marketing tried to figure out what the fuck was going on. Became pretty obvious when I hit the button and the building went up, obliterating his new army. We drove out again, making it through the burning fields, where we found three Cathoholics. What the bloody fuck? He started threatening us, I retorted that he's a child fucker.

Bastards opened fire on our SUV and I got hit. Barely hanging on I floored it, and their rule of cool move of standing close together in front of their vehicle and shooting straight at us turned out to be a bad one. Hit two of them, killing the one on the left end instantly when I ran him over, and sending the middle one flying. The hippie injured the third one while the leech kicked the door off to go deal with the leader I'd sent flying. Bastard teleported his cowardly ass away instead of dying, and I tasered the last one so we could interrogate him. Not sure what spell the hippie used, but I felt fucking great after she healed me a bit. We took the Cathoholics' SUV, left our badly damaged one next to the guard shack, and blew it and the shack up as we left.

Turns out the Cathoholics have decided they think they can handle the lich and we're in the way. Fuck off! Sergio or whatever the fuck the captive's name is spilled everything he knew. Apparently this O'Malley fucker is a zealot and wants to kill anyone who's not a Cathoholic and particularly the leech. Sergio personally doesn't see the point in engaging us, and we let him go with the understanding that he's going to try to get us help, or at least get the heat off us, while we take on Skeletor and Jr.

Since Greg From Marketing is well aware we're alive, I had no reservations about returning to taunting Skeletor. Hacked a huge digital billboard outside MCR's headquarters and now every other ad shows Skeletor getting fucked. I have a paintball claymore loaded with rainbow balls when I can get close. Next up is taking out the second detention facility, and I think I need to find Greg From Marketing's family. He may be skeletonized, but since he was turned after Skeletor showed up he must still have some attachments.

Apocalypse Now
Revenge is a Dish Best Served Cold

Kel’ Izzack sat on his sofa in his executive apartment in utter shock. Centuries of planning, and scheming had been dashed in a single afternoon. The morning had started off rather well. He managed to reopen a portal to the Abyssal plane and went to go check on the status of his demonic hordes in the fortress city of Dis. His demonic allies had promised that 600 million troops would be at his disposal for the conquest of Earth.

Upon arriving the sky was dark and the air was cold something that wasn’t common on the world of the Abyss. His portal opened near the staging grounds of the fortress city where he expected to see troops in neat rows ready for the conquest. Instead he found the city in ruins, no not ruins, gone would be a better word.

The staging area was the same. Millions of demonic soldiers were simply wiped out. Those that survived were horribly burned and even the uninjured we’re shadows of their former selves. Kel’ Izzack had quickly scryed the planet and he found more of the same. Every great city, fortress, and even settlements were simply gone.

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 One of his Generals Ahbor had been hunting away from the city and saw the calamity first hand. A great flash of light then a rising column of fire miles wide. What wasn’t destroyed by that was destroyed by gale force windows of the likes he didn’t think possible. Winds that shattered stone. Then Ahbor told of the fate of the survivors. Anybody who survived the blast had taken to a particularly insidious illness that had them literally wasting away in there our filth and vomit, and to top it off smoke and ash filled the sky blocking out the sun. Kel’ Izzack wondered which deity had done it before Greg spoke up.

Greg of course had known what caused it. He described similar events as the result of a nuclear blast. Something the Humans came up with half a century ago, a truly apocalyptic weapon. They had quickly fled the doomed world of the Abyss and Greg had helped in finding some rather informative information about such things on Youtube. But that was only half of what was plaguing himself at the moment.


Kel’ Izzack had just spent the last four hours looking at recent conflicts in Human history and was understandably mortified. Human’s had gone from swords and bows to mechanized death in just a few short centuries. All sense of honor had long since been beat out of them. They could and preferred to kill you from a desk on the other side of the world, and do with little remorse. The Humans prefered peace, but failing that they would kill in the most safe and efficient way possible until they either annihilated you or you surrendered. 600 million demons with melee weapons wouldn’t have stood a chance even if they had managed to invade. Unending undead hordes likely wouldn’t help either. Human had tried fighting enmass against artillery and machine guns once for FOUR whole years and technology won.

Artillery, missiles, and air dropped bombs would have made short work of them. The Elves were right all along, Humans we’re dangerous, and by denying them magic to save themselves. The Elves had made them that much stronger.


Kel’ Izzack did note that even though these mortal fools did destroy a whole world practically in an afternoon they still insisted no doubt that he was the evil one.

Journal 5

The Abyssal Plane is now radioactive slag. Good work, Drow.

Back to earlier, however. It was a tiefling, and she was a sorceress. Summoned three babau, hideous, smelly fucks, before she teleported away. Telling them to "FUCK OFF" didn't have the desired effect, unfortunately. Agile bastards, I couldn't hit them with the taser, and although the leech opened up on them she didn't take them down. The mystic managed to with the M60, however, after trying and failing to hit them with a telekinetic dagger shotgun, but the hippie was injured by one of these nasty shitheads. Thankfully they're apparently not poisonous or infectious.

Even injured she's pretty stealthy, though, and good at disabling traps and lockpicking. She got a few poisoned darts from a trap on the door down the tunnel, snuck down a side passage, and found a shitload of Drow weaponry. Meanwhile I'd found a few silver ancient Drow coins and some weed, which I added to my stash. I also now have a couple of the Drow version of the M4 carbine, along with military-grade laptops.

Further down the passage there was a-fucking-nother fucking piece of shit fucking portal to the fucking abyssal fucking plane. Fuck this shit. Using my spoon I smashed the electronics on the Earth side of the portal, went through, and saw someone approaching. Go back through, a Drow comes through. He was apparently the IT guy and I'd destroyed the internet connection for that keep on the abyssal plane. Paid him off with a couple of the Drow coins and sent him on his way.

A few minutes later the Drow military showed up, they'd been following us with their drone. Apparently the leadership finally got their heads out of their asses and decided to do something about shit down here, which meant sending a few squads followed by 20 ICBMs armed with 10 nuclear warheads each. Holy fuck, they get hardcore when they finally get their shit together.

The general sent the grunts through the portal, wiping out the demons in the keep, and then the rest of us went through, searching for whatever was keeping the portal open. Found it was what we've dubbed the Bowling Ball of Doom. It was pulling energy from the sky, and mystic dude wasn't sure whether it was safe to handle. Dead demon proved useful, as when I used his hand to touch it the hand started sizzling, so with my leather glove I was able to remove it. The soldiers confirmed they'd killed the tiefling, and I had them spit on the body. The Drow set up their missiles, spent 8 hours getting everything ready before the portal closed, and just before it did they launched.

200 nuclear warheads later, the abyssal plane is largely radioactive slag. Skeletor is going to be pissed, I just wish I was there to see his reaction.

Somehow I ended up with a coupon for free ice cream after reentering the portal, which I redeemed before we departed for the surface. The Drow released us in south Oklahoma City, so we've made it back to the office. Plus side, Skeletor thinks we're dead, and Skeletor Jr. will be a good way to get at him.

Journal 4

Charlie's dead. Back to that in a while.

Skeletor Jr. blew up the fucking temple we were in and we ended up in a river in the bloody Underdark. Max, Alexis, and I were fished out by some Drow who were surprisingly civil, not nearly as bloodthirsty as their reputation. They brought us to their equivalent of a police station, where we were interrogated. They were doubtful of the story about Skeletor and his planning to take over the world, but the videos of Skeletor and documentation from MCR on my phone eventually convinced them. They lodged us in a hotel for the night while deciding what to do with us.

They'd also found some Zoroastrian mage who'd managed to wander into the underdark, however the fuck that's possible. Mystic bastard wanted to emigrate instead of getting back to the surface. The constabulary finally made us an offer: find out what the fuck happened to two parties that had disappeared while exploring nearby passages, or emigrate and become permanent residents. Finally managed to convince everyone to conduct the search, and they returned our weapons. Before we set out our hippie tree-hugging cleric attempted to talk to the fish about what might be in the area, and the bloody mystic researched the local history. I put my time to better use by learning a bit of the Drow language, starting with curses. "Vith'tir!" is "Fuck off!"

First thing I fucking find is a fucking acid-melted skeleton and fucking iPhone. Checked the area some and it appeared to have been a slow melt. Bloody gelatinous cube was my best guess, and I had our babysitters who were too fucking scared to come down the passage with us obtain a bucket of ammonia and a hand pump sprayer. While we waited I drew circles on a couple larger light-colored rocks and gathered a handful of small rocks.

Seeing a rock stop in midair with an accompanying 'plop' sound will definitely get your attention, and it was a fucking gelatinous cube. I tossed the rocks with circles into it, giving it googly eyes, and named it Charlie before I started the sprayer. Ammonia is high on the pH scale and reacted as expected with the acidic makeup of the cube. Very melty and boiling, which pissed it off. Alexis, never one for subtlety, opened up with her pistols, and the mystic, wielding the M60, did as well, with Charlie's body reacting much like ballistics gel. Charlie attempted to grab me, apparently quite pissed off and hungry, but I managed to dodge it, and spraying into the rapidly-closing holes finished it off. It lost all form, turning into a quickly-spreading puddle of acid, which the remainder of the ammonia helped to neutralize. Goodbye Charlie, you jiggly bastard.

We went further down the passage and found it opening into a larger cavern, where there was a fucking devil imp. Little red fuck was trying to drag a stone block, largely unsuccessfully, and I was able to lure it into taser range. Bloodsucker made quick work of it, and with the sunglasses I could see four more bright heat signatures like it had. Mystic and I crept up on one, and he nailed it with a throwing knife, but didn't kill it. I tasered it when it got in range and he got to finish it off. Meanwhile, bloodsucker and bleeding-heart hippie snuck up on another. Hippie tried the same throwing knife trick, which worked, and Alexis jumped on it, stabbing it multiple times, with the hippie firing a blast of holy energy that burned through its body. Leech wasn't too pleased about almost being hit, but let it go as the other two took note and approached.

Mystic opened up with the M60, and I finished off one by blowing its head open while the hippie shot the other through the chest. Now to find out what the bloody hell these evil little fuckers were doing.

…Is that a…tiefling?

I Love It When A Plan Comes Together

Kel’Izzack sat motionless in his leather executive chair at the head of the board rooms conference table late one night as he listen to the board of directors squabble about the current state of the MCR International corporate office.

Kel’Izzack was no wet behind the ears fool who expected his works to be unopposed. Millennia of unlife on top of his actual life had taught him to expect it. No the thing that vexed him currently was the myriad of strange ways his enemies could thwart him in this strange realm.

Though granted most of the thwarting had been minor up till this point. A set back here some damage there. Nothing of real consequence. In fact a year ago if a handful of idiots attacked his Dark Fortress on the abyssal plane and the only damage was merely a few dozen guards on top of a portal being closed along with a hole being blasted in a roof. He would have written it off as the nature of his work. 

But here there apparently is no end to the ways in which his enemies could attack, and like magic little physical damage could mean little if extensive damage from other means was taken into account. Kel’Izzack tightened his grip on the arm rest. His advisors informed him that there was a breach in their information systems, a breach they can’t close. One that allows his enemies to read his very plans and even harass himself in a juvenile manner!  

The very technology that allows humans to have frankly amazing near telepathic coordination and productivity also allows their very equipment to be used against him.

This recent attack which caused very little apparent physical damage had the same effect as if somebody had simply leveled the buildings in this complex. A fortress is expensive, however the cost of a corporation losing all of its principal electronics is ten times that cost! 

That of course leads right into the second problem. Kel’Izzack focused on the board of directors in front of him arguing about public perception, repair costs, along with quarterly statements. These shortsighted fools have no idea that their almighty stock price means little when his plan finally unfolds. 

“No you won’t be getting rich off of my domination of this world. It will simply become another world in service of the black abyss.”, he thought. 

One of the board members turned to him probably to ask his opinion on the matter, however before he could get a word out the boardroom doors opened and in strode Greg still in his suit carrying an elegant Elvish staff with a green gem on one end. It presented quite the contrast from Gregs tight bony grip. 

He immediately called out, “Master I have acquired the staff from the ruined temple.”
Kel’Izzack stood and walked over, “Excellent work Greg with this we can start the ritual to reopen the portal. Though this time it will be in a more protected space.”

“Of course my lord. What about the temple itself? Any use in it?”

“No, that place serves us no purpose now. Destroy it.”

One of the board members stood quickly, “What! Destroy it? You do know we spent millions getting permits and paying off politicians to even dig there! Are you saying the only thing we will gain is that… thing?”

Kel’Izzack would have glared if he could, it didn’t matter his tone said it all, “The temple itself is worthless. Just an ancient ruin all that’s left of a religion that is no longer relevant. This staff however is priceless, a lone artifact of power that would be difficult to replicate.”

“But the money? Can that summon money.”

“Silence you fool!” Kel’Izzack bellowed, “If recovering this staff cost a year's worth of earnings from this company then I would gladly spend it.”

 The board member sat down stunned at the revelation. 

Greg however added, “My lord I think we might still have a use for the temple after all.”

“Kel’Izzack turned to him, “We do?”

“Yes. I’m sure you’re aware of the group who seem to be hell bent on stopping you.”

“Oh yes, them.”

“Well seeing as how they can read our emails then I have a suggestion. Its simple we set a trap. After all we do have a lot of explosives left over from the excavation, and if I recall that temple barely hangs over a great underground fissure in the Earth.”

Kel’Izzack would smile if he could, but he just chuckled as he sat down in his seat, “I like where this is going. What do you need?”

“Nothing much. Just some disposable underlings, an Ipad, and your couch and TV to watch the fun on.”

“Oh yes Greg this is brilliant. Not often do you get to see your handy work unless you’re there in person. Make it so.”

A few days later

Kel’Izzack, and Greg sat on his couch watching the Kobold's and Gnoll get slaughtered in various ingenious and novel ways. He had to hand it to them, they certainly knew there stuff. Which was all the more sauce for the goose when they watched the room explode and collapse into the black. 

Their collective laughter rang out for a good quarter hour before they uploaded it to Youtube anonymously when Kel’Izzack had a thought. He turned to Greg and gave him a new mission.

“That vampire. The one who casted that spell, she no doubt survived. Bring her to me.”

Entry 3

So there's actually lizard people. Fucking what the fuck?

My banana and spoon came in useful, though. And there's some holy girl who's seeing visions and shit. Not due to my herbs, I must add.

Back to the beginning of the day. I was rocking out, playing a rendition of "Anarchy in the UK" (appropriate for the current political clusterfuck, particularly with Macron making Brexit difficult), when Clarissa, the receptionist, interrupted me. She was accompanied by Portia McKinsey Pickens (goes by Max), who claimed she had had dreams about the world having been turned black and ruled by skeletons, and was directed to our office by the goddess Artemis. She seemed somewhat surprised that I didn't think she was crazy, but understood when I explained what we had been dealing with, and that the EMP blast at MCR that made the news was our work.

I hacked into the shithole MCR's website again, showing her the bio for Skeletor, and restored his likeness to the cartoon one. While hacking the intranet I ran across an email thread referencing a staff of power at another excavated site in the Wichita Mountains. It appeared the bastards had received a permit based on oil and gas extraction in the wildlife refuge issued by the fascist fuck's administration, which was unsurprising. Skeletor was screaming at Greg From Marketing that they needed to find that staff to reopen the portal to the abyssal plane we'd just managed to close. I also found encrypted files about their contract for deportation facilities; they appeared to be under construction, but not yet operational, and were very reminiscent of certain camps used by other fascists about 80 years ago. Good way to build a skeleton army for world domination.

The site in Bumfuck Oklahomophobia seemed the highest priority, since Skeletor could reestablish his portal to home using it. While Max went to get a gallon of milk because the psychopath wanted one, I worked on a new toy that I'd brainstormed over the past couple days. The Bone Resonance Acoustic Gun operates between 900 and 1300 Hz and will require ear protection, but it will resonate bones, incapacitating and potentially shattering and destroying skeletons. Fucking BRAG!

The leech wasn't too happy with having a holy person around, hissing at me about it when she woke up. Told her she'd be fucking useful and to get the fuck over it. They bonded a bit when Max told her Alexis had the same microwave and that nuking the blood shake for longer would make it more palatable.

The bloody psychopath was apparently trying to make a giant napalm molotov cocktail, but fucked up the lid of his milk jug, so I had to get him some of my empty bottles of scotch. One of the only fucking things that makes this backwards fucking place semi-tolerable. He rigged them up then went to fill them from the container in his car, where he managed to royally fuck shit up.

The fucking death-wish fuckup didn't fucking pay attention to what the fuck was going on around him and a fucking bobby started questioning him. And because he's a fucking psychopath, instead of even fucking trying to fucking talk his way out of the fucking situation, he cold clocked the bobby and put him in the back seat of his cop car. He was fucking lucky the car was pointed away so any dash cam didn't fucking see him, but he didn't check for a fucking body cam. I gave him a half empty bottle of scotch, had him splash some of it on the unconscious pig, and had him search for a body cam, which there fucking was. He smashed the camera, left it under the tire of the car, and took the SD card. Bloody fucking amateur.

Max rode shotgun on the way down to the latest shithole to investigate, while the bloody psychopath and bloody undead sat in the back again. The fucking pyromaniac had managed to fill three bottles before the bobby found him, which was a plus.

It took a couple of fucking boring, bumpy hours to get down there, because apparently the bloody government here doesn't believe in road maintenance. We stopped about a mile away and I sent the fanatic French fuck's drone up to check the area. 

The site had been trashed and there were three lizard people snacking on humans. The shits were about three feet tall, armed with javelins, and there was an arm roasting on a spit. We attempted to sneak up on the site, but being an unstealthy bastard I drew their attention when I stepped on a branch. Max convinced an armadillo to run away, which the little shits attributed the branch breaking to.

I threw one of the napalm cocktails into their group, setting them all on fire, and we quickly dispatched them, but not before I greeted them with "Hello, hello, rubbish reptiles from the dawn of time!" We broke into the buried temple, with Max making quick work of the Home Depot lock on the outside door, and the psychopath got to get all stabby-stabby with more of the little shits. I did take out a couple of them using my spoon. Must wash before using again.

There were three doors in the chamber, which had apparently been built by elves based on the decor. We chose door number 2, the center one, and Max had a brilliant idea. While she used one of the dead little shits I mimicked their speech. The lizard people sounded much like Eddie Izzard's Chicken Marc Antony, which was incredibly amusing, and made imitating their speech relatively easy. Not a bloody fucking clue what I was saying, but the little fuckers bought it. We were able to get close to the main chamber, which had a large chasm running through it, so we backtracked to door number 3. There were over a half dozen of the little shits on the other side of the chasm, with at least two of them wearing bone armor.

There were three of the little shits around a corner down the hallway, so while Max distracted them with the drone I lobbed the second napalm cocktail at them. The fire cooked one of the three, and the psychopath and I finished off the other two. He got overeager when he heard sounds from one of the doors and charged into the kitchen, attacking one of the little shits, which put him front and center for the half dozen or so others that were eating. Alexis wiped out most of them, while Max worked on the stone door to go further down the hallway. It had a trap in it which burned her, but she managed to get it open. I then had Alexis shoot the lock off the last door.

While the lizard people were distracted by the lock flying across the chamber I threw my banana into the group, adding to their confusion and giving the fucking nihilistic psychopath a chance to get stabby again. The bloodsucker got shooty and stabby, which didn't go well, while one of the little shits slipped on the banana when it tried to attack her. Shit got serious when she was injured.

The leech apparently has studied some seriously fucked up, evil old magic. She pulled the soul out of one of the little shits, healing herself. That's some ancient Sumerian shit that was an instant death sentence. Who knows how the fuck many souls she's consumed, but she can spend one to heal herself, so killing her, if the need arises, is going to be near fucking impossible. Scary shit.

After finishing off that group we checked the other hallway, where there were three more of the lizard people, more heavily armed and protected than the other groups. Armor doesn't work against hallucinogens, though, so when the bloody psychopath snuck up on one and attacked and another inhaled some seer's mushroom that I threw in his face, he took the fuck off screeching.

One of the doors was more ornate than any of the others we'd run across, and Max was able to get us in. It hadn't been disturbed in eons, and anything organic had long since disintegrated, but we did find 200 one ounce gold coins. At current prices they're worth close to $250,000. Not a bad haul.

We backtracked to the last corridor, where we snuck up to find some kind of fucking anthropomorphic hyena fucker carrying a bloody M60 machine gun with a belt of rounds. I gave the bloody psychopath some of my refined pufferfish poison, which he coated his knife with, and then I tased the hyena fucker. The psychopath enjoyed getting stabby again, and I took the M60 after he was done.

The only other doorway led to an ancient library. Most of the books had decayed and were unreadable, but there was enough left that I picked up a fair amount of additional knowledge about the ancient world and what's hidden.

Guess it's time to go open that fancy-ass fucking cabinet, retrieve the staff of power wankstain Skeletor wants, and get the fuck out of here.

(Note: after finishing researching in the library, Devan opened the gilded locker that held the staff of power. In the staff's place was an iPad, which turned on and Skeletor Jr., formerly Greg From Marketing, taunted Devan about having finally discovered who was messing with MCR's plans. Devan told him to fuck off, and Greg set off explosives under the temple, plunging it and everyone inside into an underground river.)

Kel'Izzacks Bad day

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Kel’Izzack relaxed on his leather sofa in his office apartment at MCR International after a long day. In front of him on his fifty inch flat screen tv he watched Jon Snow and Daenerys ride a dragon in the sky above Kings Landing. He sat there enthralled at the sight as dramatic music began to play.


Daenerys turned to Jon as she asked, “Are you ready for this Jon? Ready to end the tyrannical rule of Cersei and get revenge for both our families.”


Jon looked into her eyes and replied, “Of course my love we will win the day and rule as husband and……”


Suddenly the power went out and Kel’Izzack gasped, “What! No! I can’t miss this! What in the blazes!”


He suddenly jumped up and yelled at one of his attendants, “What is going on here! Why is it dark!”


His skeletal attendant looked at the ceiling puzzled, “The human sorcery has stopped my lord.”


“It’s not sorcery you idiot it’s its blast that cursed wikipedia you go there to read one thing and before you know it you’re reading about sonic the hedgehog. Human magic is most foul!”


They both then noticed the sound of muffled gunfire and made their way to the window. Below them they could see an explosion erupted from the warehouse next to the office building they were in as a truck sped into the building.


“What in the seven hells is going on! Quickly we must make haste for the portal!”


Kel’Izzack ran to the elevator and pushed the down button however to his puzzlement it did not illuminate nor did the doors open.


A few minutes later frothing with rage Kel’Izzack watched helplessly as they the truck they had seen drive into the warehouse, leave it and speed into the night blaring some awful racket.

“Whoever did this will die a slow painful death.”  


Entry 2

That was fucking amazing! Boris, or whatever the fuck his name is, was incapacitated as he recovered from being shot, so I worked with the bloody psychopath on getting into MCR International. After hacking into MCR’s private network I found that Skeletor, or whatever the fuck the abyssal plane lich’s name is, had taken over MCR and was now running it. I also found that the portal he had used to cross over was still active. That’s incredibly difficult to do, meaning there was something maintaining the portal from one side or the other.

After researching MCR’s security systems it appeared they had quite the setup, making it difficult to get in. I mused that I could build an electromagnetic pulse gun to disable sensors and cameras, though to keep it portable it would only get a dozen or so shots per laptop battery. The psychopath Robbie, in a rare moment of brilliance, exclaimed that we should use a Prius for the battery. After musing over it for several minutes I realized it could work, and instead of disabling sections of MCR’s compound it would eliminate all electronics within it; while he rented a Prius, I obtained the necessary components and a diesel truck that would not be affected by the EMP blast. We also put the surrender monkey’s C4 to good use; I created a wireless detonator and a backup timer for it, planning to use it to destroy whatever was keeping the portal open.

With Alexis accompanying us, we set out for MCR in fucking shithole Shawnee. I stayed out of the EMP blast radius while the psychopath and leech got the Prius into position and cranked up The Clash, appropriately “Should I Stay Or Should I Go.” Staying was worth it when the Prius bomb worked flawlessly, knocking out all of MCR’s electronics and backup systems. I drove the truck in and found and particularly dark spot to park.

The infrared lenses in the Wayfarers are incredibly useful, and I could tell where the private security was along with the psychopath and the suckhead. Somewhere along the way she had picked up a bum to be a guinea pig; she seemed to have him under some kind of spell, which she'd tried and failed on both me and the psychopath earlier. While they snuck in I stayed on watch near the door. They did well for a while, but about halfway through Alexis and the bum were detected. I threw a rock to distract the skeletons guarding the portal, which worked for a bit, until the psychopath fucked up and was also noticed and all hell broke loose. Several of the shots hit explosives and an RPG went off, blowing a hole in the building. As the other three raced through the portal I ran back to the truck, climbed in, and floored it into the building through the open doors. It was a straight shot into the portal.

I picked up the psychopath and the leech; there was a castle about a mile away from the portal, along with a number of MCR vehicles and trailers. Rocking out to Rancid’s “Time Bomb” I got us to the castle as quickly as possible; the demons guarding the gate wouldn't let us in, but they were confused by the punk rock and the psychopath claiming we were with MCR. I drove us around the side, set a 5 minute timer on the massive chunk of plastic explosive, and Alexis tossed it over the wall.

Making our getaway, we were confronted by a group of MCR personnel and skeletons who opened fire; I drove through them, gunned the trick through the portal, and obliterated four skeletons on the other side of the portal when we reemerged. The two security guards dived out of the way, and we saw the portal wink out of existence when the time reached zero. I floored the truck out of the compound, yelling at the stupid MCR cunts to fuck off.

After we returned to the office we checked out the shitty, biased local news, which was reporting the EMP blast as a terrorist attack. After getting up to date on the latest in the area, with the local bobbies linking the jailbreak of Boris and the EMP blast, I shredded the guitar again. Before going to bed I hacked into MCR’s system again, replaced Kel’Izzack’s portrait with one of Skeletor, and rewrote his biography to include details about how his mummy issues are the root of his lust for power. Then I sent a company wide email:


No more portal to the abyssal plane, so stop thinking with them, fuckwad. Awa’ n boil your head, you bawfaced jizztrumpet, before we ram a horse cock through your maw. We're coming for you, you lavvy-headed wankstain. Fuck off back to your shithole abyssal plane. MCR employees, if you have half a fucking brain cell you'll get the fuck out of the way while you still have a fucking chance, you miserable fucks.

MCR seems to be at the center of things, but with the portal closed for the time being it seems we should investigate their other activities. The contract they have for deporting people seems like a good place to start, unless something else comes up.

Entry 1

Bloody fucking skeletons, infiltrators, vampires, and psychotic Americans. I’m ready to return to Scotland. Charles won’t let me leave, though.

Charles and Alexis showed up at the office; they had information on a lich in some shithole called Shawnee. Robbie, one of the most unstable individuals I have ever encountered, and some fucking continental French fuck, and I were already preparing to retrieve a magic user who had been captured in some fuckplace called Kingfisher. Not much information on the target, other than he had been at an archaeological dig in the middle of the night and a bobby stumbled upon him, but he was being held for pickup by MCR International, the corporation where the lich had appeared.

Alexis accompanied the team to Kingfisher, where the French fuck managed to get us in. The psychopath Robbie nearly killed one of the deputies on the way. We finally get in and the bastard we’re trying to retrieve fires lightning at the frog, who then sprays the cell. Alexis stopped him, at which point the fucking cunt went suicidal and was ready to blow the fucking building. Fucking religious fanatic cunts. I’m not sure how she stopped him, but Alexis was glowing purple a bit when I returned and the surrender monkey was dead.

We took the Russian magic user with us, and he wanted some shit called a coney from a shithole called Sonic. Bloody disgusting, but it got him to stop his fucking whining about being hungry and having been shot. The joyberries I gave him seemed to help as well, though I suspect he’s now addicted to them. He led us to the archaeological site he’d been arrested at, where there were fucking skeletons and some douchewad little shit who looked a lot like that bloody American fascist leader’s pencil-dicked spawn.

Things went to shit in a hurry. It’s still largely a blur, but I ended up at the bottom of the pit with the fucking psychopath. We managed to get into what turned out to be a crypt; it was made out of abyssal stone, which is fucking terrifying enough. The psychopath’s pyromania did come in handy when the fucking skeletons tried to come in; he managed to splash the entry with homemade napalm, though the skeletons refused to listen to me when I repeatedly told them to fuck off.

One of the skeletons managed to get in, and after Robbie fucked it up I finished it off with my spoon through the braincase. Need to disinfect and sanitize it. Alexis and Robbie found a necromancy necklace in a box for Red Cloud, and we retrieved all the computer equipment and paperwork we could find in the trailer on site. Alexis had apparently ripped out the heart of the douchewad in charge, which I was not disappointed by, although between that and her killing of the frog I’m suspicious. The bloody Russkie was jamming to some horrendous shit he called Lenard Skinard or something. Bloody uncultured fool, though he may prove useful.

Back at the office I hacked what we had found in the trailer, and while most of it was mundane there were several things that stood out. One was from the Chief Operating Officer of MCR, and another was footage of the douchewad meeting with what looked like the lich we have a shit photo of from MCR. Something to investigate further. I did find footage of the Slav getting captured by skeletons, which was absolutely hilarious in his inability to demonstrate anything resembling discretion or stealth, and I uploaded that part of the video to Youtube. Finished unwinding by shredding the guitar.

With the surrender monkey’s death, it appears I’ve become the default leader. Time to visit MCR in that shithole called Shawnee, then.


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